Keeping the letters to myself allows them to haunt me. (One month of letters)
I’ve had these writings for a while now. I have gone back to them from time to time. Keeping the letters to myself allows them to haunt me. It’s time to set them free so I can move on.
I miss you. I wanted to call you the minute I walked out of class today. I wanted to tell you that the minute I walked into the school it reminded me of you. I remember doing work there or attempting to do work and then calling you. It was around the first time we started talking on the phone. I could always just talk to you. I feel empty now.
When it was good I didn't even know how good it was at the time. I didn't allow myself to fully appreciate it because I was so wrapped up in being sad and mad and confused about her. Why don't I get it at the time it's good. Why do I wait? Why does it come to me when it's over? When it's too late? I miss you.
It's so hard for me to live in the moment. I'm constantly looking back in the past and letting feelings of regret control me and when I'm not doing that I'm looking to the future and letting feelings of fear control me. For some reason NOW is a scary place for me because it’s the most unfamiliar. Of course I know the past because I was there and I fear the future because of the past. And NOW is usually bad because I'm stuck in the past. If I could turn my brain off, like keep it from analyzing the past and assuming the future, then maybe I could actually focus on now? But obviously that can't happen I can't just turn my brain off. So somehow I have to train it like when it starts to go there I need to outsmart myself or trick myself. I'm not sure how to do this but I'm going to try.
If I think about NOW I know I'll never be with you. I'm not even sure we will ever be friends. I do know I’ll always wonder "what if"…what if I really gave you a chance? What if I really picked you? What if I didn't let her control me? What if… And it's those thoughts that make NOW hurt. But those thoughts are thoughts of the past and future. But…those thoughts define NOW. I'm still so confused. I miss you.
Today was tough. My roommate moved out which I thought would be a really good thing…well it is a really good thing it just makes me feel even more alone. I talked about you today to my therapist. I told her how much I respect you and how horrible I feel about what I did to you. She said it was bad timing. I agree. I just wonder if we will ever have the chance for good timing? I hope so.
I found the envelope you addressed to me, the one you sent the CD in. I ran my fingers over the writing and for a moment I felt close to you again. I keep thinking back to the day we were supposed to go snowboarding and how that was it. The day I lost you for good. But the confusing part is I was sure I had lost you before that day. I said it before but I'll say it again. I was heading back here just two days after we were supposed to hang out. And I got scared to death. This time not because she might find out but because I felt I didn't know you anymore and it would be a day of sarcasm and mean comments and there was no way I could handle that then leave and be back down here remembering you like that.
Why do I get so scared? Why does it seem I'm always making the wrong decision and then regretting it so much? I feel I have more regret than I do accomplishments. That's why I'm staying here and finishing what I came down here to do. I really considered running back home. I can't even go to the park without thinking of you. Thinking of how I'd call you and give you a play by play of what my dog was doing and you could really care less because you don't really even like dogs but you listened and you enjoyed it and that meant the world to me.
I want to contact you so bad. But I respect you. I hope you're doing well. I mean I really have no way of knowing but I hope you are happy and laughing. I love the way your face lights up when you laugh.
The days are getting easier which is something I never thought I'd be able to say. I know it's the increase of depression medicine and addition of anxiety meds. I'm not proud that it's the pills that's keeping me sane but at this point in my life I can use all the help I can get.
It does frighten me though, the fact that I'm completely unstable, anxious, depressed and scared without medicine. It's like I'm broken and the pills are there to fix me. I'm determined to learn the skills I need to in order to fix myself. But today I need them and today I'm doing good. And today is all that matters.
I decided to stop writing you. But began to feel lonely and lost without putting my thoughts down because they just stayed in my head. I didn't have anyone to share them with. Even though you're not here and you want nothing to do with me, I like to at least pretend I'm talking to you because talking to you was one of my most favorite things.
And when I think I couldn't miss you more...YOU sign on. I know that sounds so corny but it's true. You signed on once more that I noticed, put your status to "away" right away with the message of "snowmobiling".
Your button changed from green to red right away again just now but I still feel close to you when it's red. It's when you're not on that I hurt.
Posted by Vitamin B-Lardo