Dad...Please don’t leave me.

Dear Dad,
As the prodigal child that could do no wrong in your eyes, you’ve always justified and made excuses for my actions and behaviors. So much so, that even I’m starting to believe my own lies.

You’re not the emotional type and don’t understand my emotional ways. In the past few years though, you’ve delicately tried to ease my depression and anxiety-ridden woes. You did it the only way you knew how … money.

My whole life you’ve bailed me out from every situation I’ve turned into an utter catastrophe. Or you’ve protected me from getting too deep into trouble. You’ve invested thousands of dollars into me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t brought up to be grateful and appreciative. Instead, I’ve come to selfishly expect those extensions of monetary donations and bailouts.

I’m so desperate to make you proud, yet am terrified you’ll see me for who I really am and reject me. My pathological lying is out of control just to keep up your impression of me as “the good daughter”.

I’ve become so dependent on you. We haven’t always gotten along; in fact we butt heads a lot when I was younger. You secretly wished I had been a boy and made me fulfill your dreams to make me the same star athlete you had once been. You were disappointed and uninterested when my love was music. But even when we were at our worst, I still fiercely craved your approval.

I’m petrified of you dying because only then will I finally know what it’s like to feel loss and suffer through something that you can’t help me out of.

Everyone else calls me out on my shenanigans. You make me feel like I haven’t done anything wrong and that it’s someone else’s fault. This theory hasn’t been healthy for my mental wellness, but at times has been the only false sense of confidence I’ve had.

You’ve never said “I love you” and I keep longing for the day that you do. I’ve learned to see through the things you DO say and translate those to how you feel about me.

Please don’t leave me. The day you leave this Earth, so will the smoke and mirrors surrounding me. I’m scared to death of how I will be revealed to the world when you are no longer here to protect me.

I’m sorry for all the lies. And I’m sorry for not telling you all of this sooner. But you’re the only stable male figure that’s ever been in my life and I love you.


Love, 
Your Daughter