We’re messy. We’re messy together.

I know I should probably hate you. Be mad at you and perhaps there was a time that I did…but I don’t think it was for very long or very much because I understood. I understood why you broke up with me. At least I thought I did until you re-entered my life and blew my theory apart. And coming back after so long messed me up. When you left, I was messed up and now that you are back, I’m messed up again. You’d think that I’d hate you for messing me up so much but I don’t. Because I’m sure that I messed you up as well. We’re messy. We’re messy together. Do you think that’s why we couldn’t make it work? I think we were/are too much alike and that made us bond like no one else I’ve ever bonded with but yet it ultimately drove us apart. As much as I’d like to blame the four states that separated us and the fact we didn’t have the technology that we have today that would have made a long distance relationship a lot easier than when we were going at it. The way we were too much alike is we needed someone present. We, well at least I, needed the hand to hold. The hug and my memories were not enough. When I was with you, it was good. So good. I loved you like I’ve never loved anyone and I felt loved. It was great. You set the bar pretty high on that one. I never realized how much it hurt to have that phone conversation and you told me that you were going to go out with that girl. Then the phone conversation six months later that the girl moved in. Then the email that you married the girl. Shock. Because I knew you didn’t love her like you should. You were going along with it because she was there and after a while, it got too hard to leave. Hard to undo all that you had done together when there was no real reason to undo it. I know because it happened to me. I finally had to give up on you. To put you to rest in my heart and chalk you up to my first real love. Sigh and move on keeping the memories hidden to pull out when I needed to remember that love. I lied when our marriage counselor asked if we had anyone in the past we needed to get over before we could get married because you were married, I had to be over you. I said no, but how could I have answered yes and explain that it was someone I hadn’t seen in three years who was married to someone else when we went out five years ago. Hell, I thought I was nuts for not being able to let go. So I did the new best thing. I moved on. In my own way.

For three years I was fine. We emailed and kept in touch and I was okay with that. Hearing about your kids and telling you about mine. Then I hear one country song on the radio and it truly begins. Turns out the country songs means as much to you as it does to me and then you share your regret at not marrying me. You were wrong and made a mistake because you don’t have what you had with me. The revelation turned my world around. And I know how you feel because I don’t have what I had with you. The game of ‘what ifs’ has started. And it’s hard to stop.

It’s been a few years now since that country song was played. You are back in my life and I’m torn. I’m glad to have you back in my life in some capacity, but I need to keep you out of my head. Because It’s hard to separate the love I remember to your limit as a friend now. I’ve tried to stop and I last a month here and there, a couple weeks some other times and only a day on most occasions. And you never…you never get mad at me when I pull away because you understand my need to. But I always come back because I need you in my life. I wrote it once 10 years ago that I need you in my life and it’s still true today. At whatever role I’ll take you and you’ll take me. And we’ll wait. We’ll wait until we can be together without hurting anyone. And if I miss you in this life, I know you’ll find me in the next. And if you screw it up again in the next life. I’m really going to kick your ass.