Nine years ago I shut you out.

Nine years ago I shut you out.

Refused to let you get to know me.

I wanted validation and the mind numbing effects of a one-night stand. When you asked personal questions and saw me, when you actually cared to see me, I was terrified. If I let you in that night, in that moment then you could hurt me they way everyone else had and that I simply was not able to handle. But honestly that's not worth writing a letter about.

The reason that you scared me so deeply that i froze in every moment is that I could have loved you and I could tell, honestly in those moments that you could have loved me.

In all those years I was running and in those moments together you gave me the option to stop and be loved and that is exactly what I was, and still am, running from.

I'm not sorry that I refused the warmth of your presence and the promise of our future.That was a conscious decision. I knew exactly what I was doing.

I'm sorry that I could not even tell you why. If I had, if I'd given you any ounce of me to understand, to hold, to bond with, then you would have embraced me. The real me, not the facade I'd worked so hard at erecting. I knew you had the answers and the ability to solve my problems. And I really, really wanted to hold onto them. These, "problems" that your simple presence in my life would have resolved were the real me. The real me kicking and screaming to avoid every trap that society had set to trick me into the life they prescribed for me.

And that is exactly what I was, and still am, running from.


  1. Jamie, I love you. Aunt Elaine

  2. Intelligently and beautifully written. That's all I have to say right now.